Whose life is this anyway??

Sometimes, I honestly do not know if I am coming or going. Life moves so fast, feels as though it is coming at me, like I am watching it. It approaches me, surrounds me, flies by me. I try to capture it, ride the wave, but it is somehow beyond my grasp. I look at days past and they are not so much memories, but moving and still pictures, of someone elses life. There is so much I want...want to do, be, taste, see, feel, smell and embrace. But this life is short and I am not a citizen of this small blue world, or even this Galaxy. My citizenship lies with God, in the eternal places. But I am here now, and while I am here, I will protect and love, and try to leave this place, this country I have somehow by His grace, been allowed to occupy, better than when I first entered it.

We have no idea, how much longer we have here. But hasn't that always been the case? Why are we just now waking up, to the notion that life here is not forever? Why are we just now fearing the inevitable? We should be at the ready at all times, not just in the end times. Because each and everyone of us, from the first sinners to this generation, and the next, have such a short time here, on this Earth.

That being the case, I will not give up, and fight, the good fight, I am healthier now in body, and clearer now in mind. So, until I see Him, with His arms outstretched to greet me, I will do all I can to better this place, for my son, and future generations. I will not stand idly by and let the deceiver speak, pretending it does not matter, leaving it up to the next generation, or assuming we will be the last. I will not give up, there are too many souls to win, too much life to live.

Mark 13:31-33

³¹Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away.

³²But of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father.

³³Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is.

³⁴For the Son of Man is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave authority to his servants, and to every man his work, and commanded the porter to watch.

³⁵Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning:

³⁶Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping.

³⁷And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch.

Lost

Lost: a word with many meanings. All negative.
Through this journey, of regaining myself, renewing, I have yet to see how it actually applies.
When asked, "How much have you lost so far"? I don't feel I have lost anything, I have gained strength, hope, freedom. I really do not feel I lost 50 pounds of fat...rather I have gained control. I did not part with these pounds unwillingly or unintentionally...

I am not going to speak of loss here, because I could. I could speak of how, I was lost and how through that loss, I gained so much weight. I lost so much of who I was, who I wanted to become.
I could speak of lost time, and opportunities.
Instead I will speak to what I have won...

How much more do I plan on loosing? I have no set plan to loose, only to keep overcoming, and achieving.


Psalm 30:2
O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.

40!!!

No, not my age, (I am actually 43) but the amount of weight I have lost so far! Somedays I look at the scale in amazement that even though I am working so hard, the numbers are not going down. It is getting a bit harder to loose now. But then, another 1.5 lbs! Slower yes, my body is in shock, I do believe. It is holding on, to the fat as if trying to preserve who I was. It is hard to let go, of all I have been for the last several years! I found an identity in the misery of being fat. Through the struggles of unhealth, I lost who I was. And though I am reaching to regain myself, I am not reaching back, to who I was 7 or so years ago, the last time I saw these numbers on the scale. I am not reaching back even further to the woman who was at my goal, another 25 pounds away. I am reaching for someone more, and only God, not self, can get me there. I honestly believe, I need this journey. I believe I need this struggle. It is my thorn. And it is only with Him, that removal is possible.

35.5!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am down 35.5 lbs!! I am OVER half way to my goal!! None of my clothes fit, and for the first time, in a VERY long time, that is a very good thing!

Now for the MOST excellent news: I have not used my asthma rescue inhaler, in over 2 weeks!!!!

I am actually sad, when I cannot go walking or skating.

Yesterday, with all the Texas fires, the air was too smokey to even go outside. I was so anxious. I felt like this:


Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Chubbo!!!

So, as you can see I had gotten quite FAT!! I could hardly sit in my BDUs. It was just plain demoralizing. This was Last October, and I got even fatter than this!!




I used to love being in the picture. But, my dear husband, had to beg me to pose for this!

I think I know you!

Have you ever looked in the mirror, and thought, "gee, that person is a cow"? Then you realize that person is you? I Used to be fairly attractive...or so I was told. But something happened to that person, inside and out! It was like who I saw in the mirror, became who I was. And I did not like that person. I was lost, inside this body, a body I just plain would not claim. I found comfort in everything that made my situation worse. That kept me in this cycle. The devil was working on me....I honestly believe when we fall into these self destructive behaviors, and frames of mind, it is indeed, putting God on a shelf. It is with Him alone, we can conquer these self destructive behaviors, without feeling deprived. In fact dare I say, my life is filled with more joy now, than in quite some time. And no amount of peach cobbler or chocolate, could fill me as I am now being filled!

John 6:35
And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.

20 Pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have not seen this weight for quite sometime!! In fact, I do not think without sucking in my belly I could even see the scale! I can see the person I was, getting further and further away in the rear view mirror. And I am not afraid to look back. I am not going to turn to salt. That person, is not who I am but what I was. What I had become, because I allowed it. I am not going to pretend I was never that. I was. But even then I was God's child. His fat child. And even with the extra weight, he still loved me. As I know He loves me now. If He did not, I would be afraid to even glance back. But, I am stronger now. So, I am looking full on at that reflection, because that refection is not me, not anymore. And soon, the skin I am in now, will be discarded, and I will look back and remember being here now, not with contempt, but with joy for the journey.

Romans 14:17
For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.

Long Journey

It has taken me a long time to get where I am. Countless surgeries over the past twenty years, along with various drug treatments. This has left me heavier than I have ever been in my life, save when I was pregnant with my now 15 year old son. But now starts my journey back...back to me. It is a frustrating thing to look in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back at you. It is time, I give this battle over to Christ. The only One who can help me make it this time.
I will. I have no doubt.